By: Maria Panzera Rugg
Advance Care Planning Day is often framed as a reminder to complete forms or make decisions “just in case.” But for me, ACP has never been about paperwork. It has always been about conversations — the brave, sometimes uncomfortable ones that ask us to listen more deeply than we think we need to.
One of those conversations happened after the Humboldt Broncos bus crash.
Like so many Canadians, I was shaken by the suddenness of that tragedy. Young people on their way to do what they loved. Ordinary futures interrupted without warning. As a parent, I felt a heaviness that lingered, and it stirred something urgent in me — the need to talk with my then 18‑year‑old daughter about values, wishes, and what mattered to her if the unthinkable were ever to happen.
I thought I knew what she would say.
Organ donation had always felt, to me, like a natural expression of generosity and care for others. It aligned with my values and my understanding of finding meaning even in loss. Quietly, confidently, I assumed my daughter felt the same way.
She didn’t.
While we spoke the horrible tragedy and what one of the family’s chose for their son ,the conversation turned to her and what she would want and she told me — clearly and calmly — that she did not want her organs donated. It stopped me short. It flew in the face of what I thought she would want, and if I’m honest, what I wanted her to want.
In that moment, Advance Care Planning became very real.
ACP is not about persuading people to make the “right” choices — or my choices. It’s about making space for their choices, values, and goals, even when they surprise us, even when they challenge our own beliefs. That conversation taught me that listening isn’t passive. It requires restraint, humility, and a willingness to set aside assumptions we didn’t even realize we were carrying.
One of the strongest messages we return to in the The Cookie Jar Conversations; Getting personal about Advance Care Planning Conversations
podcast is this: if you don’t speak for yourself, someone else will have to. And they will do their best — but they may not know what you know.
That’s where the question comes in: If not you, then who?
Advance Care Planning is about understanding who would speak for you if you couldn’t, and helping them understand what matters most to you. Not just what treatments you’d want or refuse, but what quality of life means, what you value, what you fear, and what you hope for.
Another lesson we explore in the podcast is that ACP doesn’t wait for the “right time.” Serious illness. Old age. Crisis. Those are the moments when these conversations become hardest — not easiest.
So we ask another important question: If not now, when?
The conversation with my daughter changed how I approach every ACP discussion — as a mother, a facilitator, and a listener. It reminded me that love doesn’t require agreement. It requires respect. And that one of the greatest gifts we can give the people we love is the willingness to truly hear them.
Every year on April 16, Advance Care Planning Day invites us into these conversations. It’s a national, gentle nudge to talk — not once, not perfectly, but honestly. For Personal Support Workers, families, parents, and caregivers, these conversations often begin quietly: a comment about fear, a hesitation about treatment, a simple statement like, “I don’t want to be a burden.”
These moments are invitations.
ACP is not about having all the answers. It’s about being willing to ask the questions — and then listen.
This Advance Care Planning Day, I invite you to listen to the Speaking for Myself podcast — and then do one simple thing: start a conversation. You don’t need the perfect moment or the perfect words. Sometimes all it takes is one gentle prompt — Care Planning Cookies — to open the door.
After you listen, pick a cookie and ask it around your kitchen table, during a walk, or with a colleague or client:
Who would you trust to speak for you if you couldn’t speak for yourself?
What matters most to you if your health changed suddenly?
What is one thing you want people to understand about you?
Let the answer surprise you. Let it challenge you. Let it teach you how to listen.
Because Advance Care Planning isn’t about getting it “right.”
It’s about showing up — with curiosity, humility, and care.
If not you, then who?
If not now, when?
Sometimes, all it takes is one conversation.
And sometimes, all it takes is one cookie to get things started.
